We lived in a small town/semi-rural area when I grew up and I was fairly isolated from other kids except for school. The first picture was of me in seventh grade…one of my happiest years of late childhood. I had a close friend, Mary, who was interested in the same things I was, and I was always excited to get to school.
What a difference a year makes. One morning in eighth grade I went up to her in the school yard, happy to see her, and she cut me dead. She made it clear she never wanted to talk to me again and wouldn’t say why. I figured it was because I was such a mess…I mean my body was changing, I had gained a lot of weight, and I hated that part of life. Yeah, yeah, it would have helped a lot if I had combed my hair….
Anyway, it still hurts to think about it. I knew the standard reaction…”If you don’t like me, then I don’t like you, so there. If you’re going to be mean to me, I can be mean to you too.” That didn’t work for me. I was hurt and I still liked her. I wasn’t going to deny it. So I made other friends, and I didn’t push myself on Mary but didn’t avoid her either. I was in that horrible self-conscious stage, but I forced myself to be kind and polite whenever we saw one another. It was hard at first, but like anything else, it got easier with practice.
That went on for two years. Then in high school, in tenth grade, she started thawing out and we became best friends again, a friendship that lasted until she died of cancer a few years ago. One night in 11th grade we had gone to a meeting and she drove me home. She told me why she had done it…it was because her mother had died when she was in sixth grade and her father was an Italian immigrant. He was 50 years old when she was born, and he spoke little English. They had nothing in common so she felt lonely and alienated. She was jealous that I had loving parents, and she had hated me more when I was so nice to her.
Talk about life-long lessons… I cried, of course, when I got home…what a stupid waste…but I learned two valuable lessons from the experience:
- Don’t take other people’s reactions personally. It hurts to be rejected, but we’re all acting out of our own needs. If it’s not a good match, it’s not a good match. Of course, if combing your hair and keeping your body healthy is an issue then by all means do it, for your own sake if nothing else.
- Get your ego out of the way…get in touch with your deepest values and try to live them. Life is too short to be petty. Life will still hurt at times, but if you handle situations well you can make the pain worthwhile.
That’s when I first started learning the traits of stress-hardy, resilient people. That list comes from hard-earned experience, and the traits were an integral part of my life before I tried to articulate them. They work for me.
What about you? Have you ever been rejected? What did you learn from the experience?
Thanks to rummuser and bikehikebabe for commenting on last week’s post.
28 comments ↓
I had a close friend growing up. Judy was always gay. Had crushes on girls through high school. In Jr. High I had my girl friends for a stay at our cabin. Judy organized a kissing contest. She was the only contestant & got another girl to oblige. The kiss lasted 2 minutes. She won.
At our 50th high school reunion I asked her where her better half was. (the woman she lives with in CA) She said in an unfriendly way, she wasn’t married; never had been. She glared at me across the room after that.
I was hurt. Later angry. Finally I realized that she must have had unpleasant experiences, being lesbian, & thought anyone having been brought up in West Virginia would be judgmental.
bikehikebabe,
Experiences like that are never pleasant, but they do wake us up to how other people must be feeling. Thanks for sharing.
Obviously, not all people can be so patient in trying so hard to patch things up. And this can be another reason for stress to get in the way. May be forgetting or learning to put aside unnecessary emotional loads may help in battling against stress.
No Jean, I seem to have been quite fortunate. I have not really ever been rejected. There have been cases where we have drifted apart due to many reasons, but no abrupt rejection. My recent experience about which I had written earlier is not quite rejection as much as expectation not meeting reality. My friend has subsequently been in telephone touch and now tells me that before he leaves, he will come back for a few days to stay with me.
rummusers last blog post..A Sales Representative’s Dilemma.
Elisabeth,
I agree, putting aside emotional loads is a great stress-reducing strategy. At the moment I’m reading Kathleen Norris’ Dakota–A Spiritual Geography. She often goes to a Bendictine monastery. Once one of the monks told her someone had told the abbot a lie about him when he had first joined the order. The monk decided to be patient and not say anything…he would let the matter resolve itself in the fullness of time. The situation did eventually correct itself…ten years later the abbot realized his perception of the monk was completely wrong. As the monk said, with a twinkle in his eye, “and what’s ten years to a monk?” I don’t have that much patience yet, but I’m working on it.
rummuser,
I’m glad your friend is coming back. The visit should go better with more realistic expectations…please let us know.
[…] What I Learned From Being Dumped by My Best Friend, by Jean Browman at Stress to Power […]
Great lessons, Jean. So glad you had a chance to know what the deal was before it was too late; sometimes you may never know.
Thanks for joining us this month!
Robert Hruzeks last blog post..Gettin’ Back to Normal - Sortof
There are always thoughtful and thought-provoking responses to Robert’s excellent writing projects. Your post here really has me thinking. I do know that I’m much better at life in general when I remember to get my ego out of the way and stop taking it all personally. This is a great reminder.
Monique Attingers last blog post..What I Learned From My Friends About Allergies
Monique,
I’m glad it helps. My next post, Sunday, will be about getting our egos out of the way, too. I don’t know about you, but I can use all the reminders I get!
What a powerful reminder. Like a lot of other folks, I’m quick to assign blame to myself when something goes wrong, including friendships. Even though I’m happily distant from the cold war of female adolescence, the deeper meaning of your story still rings true.
I can’t decide if I’m comforted or saddened that the “Queen Bees and Wannabes” culture is nothing new.
Sara at On Simplicitys last blog post..Three Ways You Relax and Unwind
Sara,
I don’t know about the “Wannabees”, but when I was teaching sixth graders in Sunday school, there certainly was one Queen Bee. It was interesting.
I don’t think of my experience with Mary as a Queen Bee thing. She was just hurt and jealous. I’m still glad I didn’t fall for the social game playing but hung in there and stayed authentic. That was the lesson I learned. It was great that we became good friends again..I still treasure those memories of high school…but making that decision to stay authentic would have been empowering even if she hadn’t changed.
Hi,
Wow, That story is amazing and speaks highly to me about being non-judgemental to me.
For me I never had rejection from a friendship. Just people moving away or loosing touch later.
Until seven years ago one of my best friends and I had a huge falling out. We worked together and it was my first time in my life I ever had to deal with this type of situation. I felt we were like family. We shared our whole adult lives together. Some holidays and our childrens birthdays. It was like being unplugged. I haven’t spoken to her for years . Though I called months later. Actually I think I am still stunned by it. I don’t think I”ll ever completely understand what happened.
Hi,
Wow, That story is amazing and speaks highly to me about being non-judgemental.
Snakelady (She rescues snakes; has 40 in her home.) is fascinating but she has views different from other people, like trapping people’s cats, taking them to Animal Shelter, because they kill birds. She doesn’t want you to disagree with her views. One time she was angry with me. I asked Jean what to do. She said to tell her that I valued her friendship & didn’t want to lose her as a friend. Now Snakelady is an extremely good friend. (That’s her computer name I gave her. She says she’s not a lady & not a snake.)
Diane,
It’s hard to lose a good friend, isn’t it? I sympathize. Tomorrow’s post is about my losing Mary, my uncle and my mother through death. That one was hard to write! It’s not as downbeat as it sounds.
bikehikebabe,
I’m glad you told her that. It’s hard to disagree with opinionated people without them getting upset, but it’s worth a try to let them know you value them even if you disagree with some of their ideas.
If you’re wondering about Snakelady & what a “rescued” snake would be… That might be an exotic pet snake that someone didn’t want anymore. If let loose it would die. Or an injured snake that someone tried to kill & didn’t succeed.
bikehikebabe,
It sounds as if she has a big heart. That counts for a lot in my book.
Just having a rough morning after being dumped by a friend TWO YEARS AGO! Most times I get past it but sometimes I really wonder what happened. Friends for 20 years, in my wedding, we both adopted children within 2 months of each other, just pure luck it worked out that way, shared so much, I helped with parties for her family, you name it, day and night calls, then she stopped returning calls. Actually had someone else working for her in-home day care return my last call. I know her son has emotional issues but the old her would have asked my help, not shut the door. I’m still trying to decide if she just doesn’t have time, is embarrassed that my daughter is typical kid and her son is really struggling with his issues and trips to doctors. I just don’t know and it’s just so out of character from our past. I did email her husband one time asking him if there was something I should know and I wouldn’t bother her anymore and he told me it’s nothing personal they are just “busy” but that’s a load of poop! YOu don’t go from calling me 6 times a day to 0. Just having a rough day.
That’s rough! Maybe she is having a tough time with her son
& your daughter does so well 
If you can get her on the phone tell her how much you value her friendship & don’t want to lose her. If that doesn’t work, this is your lesson in Letting Go.
Lori,
Bless you! That hurts. I’m guessing that it’s similar to what Mary was going through…she was hurting and I reminded her of what she didn’t have. I think your friend’s husband is probably right…that it’s nothing personal and the woman is emotionally busy coping. She can’t share that with you because you’re not going through the same thing. No matter how much you would like to help you can’t, you haven’t “been there”. That’s why support groups are so important.
This reminds me that many couples have marital problems when they lose a child. Instead of becoming closer, they take their grief out on the other person. I don’t know if the dynamics here are similar to that or not.
I can certainly understand if you’re mourning your loss. Is that the major emotion you’re feeling?
bikehikebabe,
If it were me I might send her a card saying I miss her and will always value the friendship we had. If there’s anything I can ever do please let me know. It’s not too intrusive and would make me feel better. But that’s just me. We’re all different.
bikehikebabe,
About letting go…it seems to me that’s what Lori is doing. She says mostly she’s past the experience, but it came back because she was having a rough day. That might very well be the time she would like to have her friend back, to talk to her. Instead she expressed her feelings here rather than holding them in. For me that’s a great way of moving on. What’s the process you go through when you want to let go of something? Lori, please correct me if my description doesn’t fit what’s going on with you.
Thank you both for the conversation.
Hi All,
Lori, I definately know what that is like… Especially how it is playing out. The hardest part is missing the connection and time you both shared together. And not knowing if you did something. It is weird that it would be so 6 times a day. And then suddenly nothing.. That must be so hard. It might be one of those times to hold on loosely. Call once in awhile and let go…just to let her know you are there. People have a misconception that someone actually has to be in the same boat to really understand. I’ve met quite a few that understand things yet haven’t experienced it personally. Not all can do that but some can. Its like reading a book and it takes you there. But that isn’t realy isn’t the point here. Its that you need understanding of what is happening to this friendship that is dear to your heart. I have a feeling this will pass and things will get better for you and her again.
I’m not sure about the phone calls. They can feel like stalking. I know with Mary I didn’t try to force myself on her, but if we did encounter one another I would be friendly, hold the door for her, etc., just as I would for anyone else. She told me later that made her hate me even more. I can understand why.
“What’s the process you go through when you want to let go of something?” Jean’s question she asked me above.
“Play your part well…”quote from Jean, & if you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your problem (says bikehikebabe). Problem is- it’s easy to excuse yourself from any part in the problem.
i.e. …tending to think he didn’t contribute to the problem; that it’s all the other person’s fault.
if you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s not your problem (says bikehikebabe)”
Sorry, that was Jean’s quote too. When I started to write that I wanted to say—if you didn’t do anything wrong, she can go to hell— of course something to a lesser extent than that.
Jean’s answers are sooo meaningful. She’s really helpful to anyone with a problem.
bikehikebabe,
Thank you for the kind words. They made my day.
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