Entries from February 2008 ↓

 
If you don’t like something change it. If you can’t change it change your attitude; don’t complain.
—Maya Angelou

In the comments to last week’s post, Life Isn’t the Way It’s Supposed to Be, we discussed the joys of complaining. When my favorite job went down the tubes with a change in management, I had a great time complaining to my husband for almost a year. He was a great listener, and quite frankly, it was a fun and easy way of getting attention. Finally one evening he gently said, “You’re really letting this get to you, aren’t you?” Oh, oh. It was fun while it lasted, but it was time for me to move on.

That incident points out one good reason to stop complaining–it’s boring to the people around you. It was still fun to talk about what was going on at work, and my husband agreed. Things were as crazy in his division as they were in mine. So we started sharing funny stories riding home together. I would say, “You’ll never guess what happened today….” He would top my story with something even crazier, and we would laugh. We started looking forward to finding and sharing stories. That was years ago, and we’ve continued the tradition by trying to focus on the absurdities in situations we have no control over. The great truth is, laughing is even more fun than ranting.

But don’t take my word for it, experiment with a no-complaining rule and see how it works for you. Find a buddy to share it with if you can. If not you might try reading this article and these testimonials. Then try joining a complaint-free world for a while and share your experience in the comments section.

Life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
—Virginia Satir

The woman in the cartoon is a great example of Items #4 and 5 of the Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People. She’s tolerant of imperfection and has a sense of humor. She doesn’t waste energy on things she has no control over.

What about you? Are there areas of your life where you get stuck in the complaining trap..where you get upset because life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be? It’s fine to see things that can be improved and figure out how to take action, but it’s all too easy to get stuck complaining. I find it takes vigilance to avoid that trap. What about you? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Thanks to Robert, bikhikebabe and Dina for commenting on last week’s post.

 
This month the topic for Robert Hruzek’s group writing project is What I Learned From…People. The person who comes to my mind was actually named John Rieber, but I’ll always think of him as “the blob in the black sweater”. I had a few classes with him my freshman year in college, and I don’t recall seeing him after that. He got his nickname when I was walking with friends one day and he went by on his bicycle. He said, “Hi, Jean.” I said, “Hi, John,” and my friends stared at me and asked, “How did you know who that was? You can’t see.” They were right, of course. At the time I was foolishly heeding the advice of my mother and sister and not wearing my glasses unless I absolutely had to. But that didn’t stop me from knowing who it was. “Oh”, I answered. “He’s the blob in the black sweater. I saw him in my English class today.”

But that’s not why I’ve been grateful to him all these years. We had both been put into the honors calculus class, a small, intense class with an illustrious professor and about 12 students, 10 guys and 2 gals. During the course of the year we all bonded, and towards the end of the year the guys decided we should all have dinner together…at the freshman boys’ dorm. Now not only was this before dorms were coed, but at the time the ratio at Stanford was two boys to every girl and there was a no-cars-for-freshmen rule. The idea was that we should concentrate on our studies and learn to adjust to college life. In practice it meant the freshman girls had a grand time dating the older boys, and the freshman boys spent a lot of time thinking about girls. So when two girls suddenly appeared in the dining hall, we got a lot of attention. I was extremely shy at the time and turned a bright red, and I mentioned it was embarrassing to have everyone looking at me. Fortunately the fellow I mentioned it to was the blob in the black sweater. He got a disgusted look on his face and said, “Oh, Jean, no one’s interested in looking at you!”

That was one of the transforming moments of my life. Oh, yeah. It had nothing to do with me. It was just the situation. Lighten up and stop being so self-centered. It took a long time and a lot of practice to get over my self-consciousness, but the first step was taken that night. From then on whenever I started to feel self-conscious I would remember to get my ego out of the way. I would focus either on the people around me or on the task at hand. And if I had to give a speech I would focus on what I wanted to share with the audience. It wasn’t about me, it was about them. Thanks, Blob in the Black Sweater. As I said, I’ve never forgotten you.

What about you? What are your favorite lessons you learned from people. Please share your thoughts and experience in the comment section.

Thanks to bikehikebabe and Todd for commenting on last week’s post.

And thanks, Robert, for doing this series once a month. It’s great fun.

Football is like life - it requires perseverance, self-denial, hard work, sacrifice, dedication and respect for authority.
—Vince Lombardi

There is no room for second place. There is only one place in my game and that is first place. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay and I never want to finish second again.
—Vince Lombardi

Is your life really like football? I agree with Vince Lombardi that if you want to lead a fulfilled life you have to make choices and give up some things for the sake of others that are more important. You need commitment and perseverance. But football is about winning over your competitors, and one of the traits (Item #8) of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People is thinking in terms of cooperation, looking for win-win solutions rather than trying to win over opponents.

Last year many people were inspired by this video clip from the movie Facing the Giants. The movie is about doing more with our lives…breaking through our self-imposed limits. My trouble with the clip is that the coach was doing the motivating. He was yelling, psychologically forcing, the star player to do more. I’ve always been a self-starter, and I admire inner-directed people. So this attempt at motivation would completely turn me off. But we’re all different. What about you? Would that approach work for you?

Lombardi believed that “men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men.” I can’t argue with the last part of that statement. But in a famous speech he goes too far for me: “… in truth, I’ve never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn’t appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.” I know people, including women, who are strongly competitive, and who are making important contributions to society. But I also know people, including men, who are motivated by something other than competition and are working just as hard and are contributing as much. And even though perseverance and discipline are an important part of my life, I’m not willing to say people who don’t have those traits are somehow inferior specimens of mankind.

What about you? How important is competition as source of motivation in your life? If it isn’t very important, what does motivate you? Do you believe football is really like life? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.

Photo 1 by BrokenRhino via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Photo 2 by BrokenRhino via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Photo 3 from the video clip.
Photo 4 by archival via Flickr. Creative Commons license.

Thanks to bikehikebabe for commenting on last week’s post.
 
Thanks also to Steve Olson for inspiring this post.