Entries from January 2008 ↓

Life is uncertain, so eat dessert first.

That was the motto on a T-shirt I used to wear to group meetings when our organization was being downsized. It always lightened the mood somewhat…it reminded us that even though the situation was scary, we didn’t have to let it take over our whole lives.

Now please don’t misunderstand me. I wasn’t advocating drowning our worries in overeating, over-drinking, smoking, or other destructive behaviors. It was just a reminder to balance the stress with some good healthy fun.

I was reminded of of that time recently when I read that a local restaurant is promoting giant flamboyant cupcakes as a way to cheer people up and make them feel better.
They vary the cupcakes daily and have such exotic offerings as vanilla strawberry creme cake with marzipan creme filling, Boston creme pie, gingerbread with mango butter cream,…and on and on. Apparently the customers love them, and the newspaper article was enticing, except for one thing. The article showed a picture of the owner holding one of the cupcakes. I wouldn’t have recognized her. When I saw her a few times years ago, she looked healthy and fit, but in the new picture she was clearly obese. Smiling, yes, but definitely obese, with all the risks that carries of diabetes and heart trouble. So, the question today is, do we have to eat to excess to reduce our stress and lighten our mood? Years ago I would have had to say yes, but finally solved the problem by developing other activities that I liked even better than eating. It took quite a lot of searching and experimenting, but the freedom and joy was well worth the effort.

So do I really believe we should eat dessert first? Yes, with two qualifications:

1. Expand our definition of dessert to include more than rich, sweet food…include activities that are good for the body, mind and spirit, not just ones that stimulate our taste buds.
2. Integrate our longterm plans into our fun activities. Some of the happiest moments occur when I’m engrossed in a fulfilling project or planning some change in my life. That counts as dessert, too.

What about you? What stress-management techniques do you use? Are they on the whole healthy? How do you put more dessert, i.e., more joy into your life? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Fudge sundae photo by roboppy via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Cupcake picture by QuintanaRoo via Flickr. Creative Commons license.

Thanks to bikehikebabe and doclind for commenting on last week’s post.

Life isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
—Virginia Satir

Todd Goldfarb wrote a great piece on How to Cope When Things Go Terribly Wrong last Monday. He was having his blog moved to a new service provider, and for a while it looked as if he had lost all the work he had put into it during the past four months. At first he was overwhelmed by his emotions, but then he took responsibility for the situation. Responsibility, of course, isn’t blame, it’s choosing a wise response. In his case he

• Sat with his feelings and sorted them out,
• Accepted the situation as it was instead of ranting that the mistake should never have happened,
• Prepared himself for the worst possible scenario, and
• Started taking action to retrieve his information and get things working again.

So far that’s fairly standard good stress-management strategy, with a great illustration to drive the points home. But Todd added one more thing: he forgave everyone involved, including himself. I agree, that’s an important part of the process. One of my strongest beliefs is that when we spend energy blaming other people, we’re throwing away our personal power. Mistakes happen, and they often hurt. And sometimes the situation doesn’t turn out as well as Todd’s did. But the quality of our lives depends on how we focus our energy and our attention. Forgiveness is simply realizing that life isn’t always perfect, and if we don’t let go of harsh judgments and blame, we’re wasting our precious time and energy. Life is too short not to move on.

What about you? Are there areas of your life where you’re wasting your energy and attention by holding grudges? How do you go about forgiving, letting go, getting on with your life? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Photo by expressoDOM via Flickr. Used with permission. All rights reserved by owner.

Thanks to Bob and bikehikebabe for commenting on last week’s post.

There are few things more wonderful than knowing where you want to go and being on the path to getting there.
–Earnie Larsen

As I said in 2007–A Year of Adventure, I want to continue becoming more stress-hardy. I had a good chance to practice this past week, trying to resolve an insurance issue. It has been going on for seven months now, and when I last tackled the issue weeks ago I had a partial success. By last Thursday I had given them enough time to do something, and it was time to give another nudge. That, of course, meant time-consuming interactions with automated voices asking for information, being put on hold for long periods, and dealing with agents who weren’t trained to deal with the problem in question. Patience with bureaucracy has never been my strong suit, so it was a great chance to devise a better method of dealing with it. And that was the key…focusing on my own performance rather than letting my mood depend on how this interaction turned out.

Mainly I wanted to avoid getting frustrated at the time I was wasting on the problem. Putting it more positively, I wanted to use that time wisely and to enjoy the process as much as possible. Once I framed the situation that way, finding a good strategy was easy.

So I got out the necessary paperwork, including my notes from previous transactions, and I used my speaker phone so I didn’t have to hold the receiver while waiting on hold. I also made myself a cup of tea and opened Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I’m reading about her stay in Italy, where she spends her time in self-indulgence. That’s not usually my thing, but it was a quick way to stop thinking in terms of efficiency. And for me giving up the idea of speed and efficiency is the only way to deal with bureaucracy.

Very simply, I turned the waiting time into a mini vacation, and I used the interaction with the agent as an exercise in being friendly but firm…she wasn’t able to handle it on her level so I patiently persuaded her to talk to someone higher up. That meant a lot more time on hold, but I may have gotten this particular problem resolved. I should know in a few more weeks.

Whether or not that happens this time around, it was a successful learning experience. The next time I need to negotiate a corporate or government maze, it will hopefully be easier for me to remember that it’s my decision whether or not I waste my time feeling frustrated. Next time I might spend the waiting time doing something productive instead of taking a mini vacation, but it’s important that I enjoy whatever I choose to do. Because that’s the most effective way I have of motivating myself…to enjoy the process.

What about you? Do you ever waste your time feeling frustrated? How do you motivate yourself to do things? Do you ever have conflicts between what you want to do and what you “should” do? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Picture by Aggarwal_Gopal via Flickr. Creative Commons license.

Thanks to bikehikebabe for commenting on the last week’s post.

They are able to tolerate ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection. They have a long-range perspective, so they give themselves and others room to grow. They can afford to be resilient, flexible, and creative because they are centered in their values.
—#4, Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People

In my last post I said I want to continue integrating the Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People into my life. One way I’m going about it is finding visual metaphors for what I’m aiming for. I also use affirmations and mantras, but my mind is primarily visual, so that’s the most powerful way of influencing it. For instance, years ago when I was hooked on food, one of the images I used was of slender silver chains pulling me towards the refrigerator. It was liberating to mentally take a pair of scissors and cut those chains.

The pictures of the goose in Having the Sense That God Gave the Goose is a great metaphor for Trait #6:

They take responsibility for their mental programming, their emotions, and their actions. If they have ineffective ways of thinking and behaving, they evaluate them and make appropriate changes.

And the picture above will remind me to take the long-range perspective mentioned in Trait #4. Notice the expression on the boy’s face. He has a long way to go before he can hope to be as big and as skilled as the man teaching him. But he’s not discouraged. He’s focusing on the present moment, doing the technique as best he can. That’s me….I’m just a little kid following my path and enjoying the process. When I temporarily forget to do that, I’ll think of this picture and get back on track.

What about you? What are you aiming for? What techniques are you using? Do you know of any pictures that would make good metaphors for becoming more stress-hardy? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Picture by MASA via Flickr. Used with permission from owner, who reserves all rights.

Thanks to Galba, Mary and bikehikebabe for commenting on the last week’s post.