Entries from December 2007 ↓

The picture above is of my daughter’s dogs, with two enormous bones we bought them when we visited in 2006. They looked a bit overwhelmed when they first saw the bones, but as I wrote in About Jean, they got to work and happily gnawed away. They’ve been my role models this past year. A lot has been going on, and I’ve been persistently gnawing away, enjoying the process…mostly, at least.

It’s been a year of adventure in two areas–joining the world of blogging and getting our leaky roof repaired. The bit about the roof may sound strange, but that’s the beauty of having stress management as a hobby, it can turn anything into an adventure. So, my two adventures:

I finally switched to broadband about a year ago. I hadn’t been interested in surfing the net before that, but I wanted to do some writing and it became clear that doing it online was the way to go. So I signed up for broadband, learned some HTML, found a good hosting service and started building this website. Once I got that up it was clear I needed to learn about blogging. So I jumped in, learned enough WordPress to get by and started figuring out what I wanted to write. I looked at other sites that grabbed my attention, joined in the conversations, and noticed where I agreed and where I disagreed. Those conversations plus Flickr pictures and incidents in my own life gave me topics to write about. After the first month or so I decided that posting once a week on each of my blogs was the right frequency. Having a definite schedule for publishing helped a lot when so much of the process was chaotic. And I approached my writing like a meditation practice…it didn’t matter how the sessions turned out, the important thing was I was doing it regularly.

What I Learned
Obviously I learned a lot about HTML and WordPress, and it was/is great practice being in over my head, staying calm, and making good choices about what to learn now and what to put off until later…if at all. It’s also good practice in striking a balance between the task-oriented business of writing a post with a deadline and becoming proficient in HTML, WordPress and the various software programs (and sometimes new hardware) I use. To me that learning comes best when I approach it with a curious, I-have-all-the-time-I-need attitude. It’s a matter of forgetting the rest of the world and having fun with it, playing with it because it’s fascinating and worth doing for its own sake…i.e., getting in the flow state. That overall purpose is more important than any one post.

The other challenging event of the year was the leak in our roof. We live in a top-floor apartment, in a building with a flat roof. And sometime in February we developed a leak in our dining area. Nothing could be done until all the snow and ice melted, so the manager gave us a big garbage pail to catch the drips. Eventually it got so bad that part of the sheet rock dissolved and started falling down.

After things had thawed out, they fixed the roof but noticed that our ceiling was sagging…not a good sign, it indicated a cracked beam. So they propped it up with a jack until they tore the ceiling out, found and replaced the beam, and rebuilt the ceiling. We weren’t back to normal until April.

It was an interesting exercise in stress management. We managed to keep our sense of humor, and we focused on more important things when we had no control over the process. The hardest part was when the workers started doing things that were structurally unsound…such as leaving one beam unsupported on one end and using the wrong size joist hangers so there was no lateral strength to the roof. Neither my husband nor I like to confront people, but we have a longer term interest in the apartment than the workers or even the owner, whose attitude tends to be “it will last longer than I will.” It was a challenge in diplomacy to see things from their perspective and encourage them to humor us without being critical or disrespectful.

What We Learned
We managed to turn it into a win-win situation by focusing on the outcome we wanted and by doing all we could to make it happen. It was important that we didn’t appear to be giving orders, bruising egos in the process. I cleaned up after the workers every day, we bought some good tarps to protect the rug and furniture, and we bought the new joist hangers they needed because they couldn’t find them in town. The net result is we have a structurally sound roof, are on great terms with our landlord, and have our home back. We also have more confidence and skill in handling tricky situations, which will no doubt be useful in the future.

When I look back at this past year I feel a warm glow, not so much from accomplishment as from having learned a lot. I want to learn more about HTML, WordPress, etc., but I’m no longer struggling with the mechanics of writing a blog. The coding is almost automatic now…it’s in my process memory. It’s not just information in my head, it’s in my fingers. I’ve also had plenty of chances to practice the Traits of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People and to integrate them more fully into my life.

All in all, 2007 was a great year. I have no desire to set new goals for 2008, I just want to keep plugging along doing what I’m doing. I find when I do that I don’t have to go looking for more adventure in my life. The adventure comes to me.

What about you? How do you feel about 2007? Has it worked for you? Do you want to make changes in 2008? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Thanks to Derrick and Bob for commenting on the last post.

It is better to light a single candle than to curse the darkness.
–Chinese Proverb

A week or so ago there was an interesting random acts of kindness story on the evening news. Apparently at a drive-through window one customer paid for the drink of the fellow behind him in line,. That fellow was so pleased and touched, he did the same for the person behind him. The gesture went on for hours, and the people interviewed felt great about it…they loved both the gift and the chance to pass it on.

But that wasn’t the end of the story. The reporter managed to track down the person who bought the first drink. He hadn’t realized what he had started, and he hadn’t done it out of generosity. He was angry at the fellow behind him for honking and trying to hurry him. So instead of letting the incident ruin his day, he took the high road and did the fellow a favor. This is a great example of Trait #1 of Stress-Hardy, Resilient People:

They have a sense of meaning, direction, and purpose. They are value-centered rather than reactive and defensive. They understand that emotions are great sources of energy and motivation but are often poor guides for action. Instead these people use their values as guides.

The fellow buying that first drink used the energy of his anger to assert his values. And in the process he brightened the day of all the people behind him in line. Which just goes to show, we can never know what effect our actions will have on other people. We just have to play our part well and have faith that in the long run what we do matters.

What about you? How are you using the energy of your emotions? Please share your experience in the comment section.

Photo by Cremo at Flickr. Creative Commons license.

Thanks to Joanna and Al for commenting on the last post.

I’ve been browsing the photos at Flickr the past few days, looking for some bright, cheerful images to counteract the dark and somber ones of the future that have been haunting my mind lately. birdyboo’s pictures of geese were more than I had hoped for. I had an “aha” moment when I read her comment that waterfowl spend a lot of time preening, keeping their feathers in top condition. Of course! That’s just what I need to do, spend more time preening my thoughts. When waterfowl preen they remove parasites and clean, waterproof, and smooth their feathers. What I need to do is to go through my mind and clean out the old garbage and the fearful thoughts that sap my energy. And I need to notice inner conflicts and resolve them so they don’t keep me from doing what I want to do.

When I was a kid a favorite saying was “He/she doesn’t have the sense that God gave the goose.” Well, the new year is coming and my 2008 resolution is to keep birdyboo’s geese in mind. I plan to spend more time preening my mind. In other words, I plan to start having the sense that God gave the goose.

What about you? How much time do you spend preening? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comment section.

Pictures (1, 2, and 3) by birdyboo at Flickr. Used with permission. All rights reserved by owner. Thank you!

Thanks to Robert, Joanna, and Shirley for commenting on the last post.

My Friends All Thought I Was Crazy
My friends thought I was crazy for signing up for an aikido class. I mean, I was never that good at somersaults as a kid, and the idea of me doing a graceful one after flying through the air? Get real.

On the other hand, I had a good time, learned a lot, and left before I got hurt. It happened several years ago, and I still smile when I think of it. The class was three hour-long sessions a week. I started the first week in March, and the third week in April I came home from my last class, washed the blood and glass out of my gi (the outfit we wore) and put it away with my other treasured mementos.

Why I Tried It
Why did I do it? I had been using aikido as a metaphor in my teaching, and I liked its basic attitude towards conflict…your opponent is more of a dance partner than an enemy. Your goal is to be adept enough to keep centered, with a calm and alert mind, and use as little force as possible to neutralize the attack. You want to be so skilled that neither you nor your opponent gets hurt. I figured taking a class would give me good practice in tuning in to other people and keeping my presence of mind in new situations.

Sounds good, right? Truth to tell, part of me also fantasized about giving my classes more pizzazz by being an accredited akidoist and wearing that cute little outfit. And it would have been fun to be skilled enough to be able to toss some big guys around. Hey, fantasies are fun as long as we use them for entertainment and don’t let them get in the way of what’s really important.

How It Worked Out
As it turned out, the guys in my local class hadn’t read the same books I had, and they had zero interest in the philosophy behind aikido. They were mostly young jocks who, understandably, wanted to develop their athletic skills. They loved the spectacular recovers from throws that the attacker gets to make. (In aikido the partners take turns being the the uke, the attacker and the nage, the thrower. It’s the attacker who does the spectacular gymnastic moves.)

I didn’t have any trouble being the thrower…the moves were easy enough to learn and execute. But I did have trouble doing the rolls and falls correctly. I wasn’t concerned. As an adult I had learned to be a fairly good dancer even though I had two left feet when I was younger. I figured the same mindfulness and patience would pay off again. I practiced on my own outside of class and assumed it would eventually pay off.

But the teacher and senior student weren’t impressed by my slow and patient approach. They decided I needed to learn a lot faster, and that would happen only if they motivated me with pain and the fear of bodily harm. Say what? The word aikido literally means “the way of harmony”. Intimidation wasn’t my idea of harmony. The warning came at the end of one class, and I decided to come one more time to say goodbye.

My Last Class–The Grand Finale
In that last class they paired me off with the newest and biggest fellow there. When he walked in the room the faces of the teacher and most of the students lit up. He was a chance for them to test their skills, so they were eager to have him as a partner. On the other hand, I (just think little old lady here) worried that he would accidentally squash me like a bug. He was athletic, but being tuned in to someone that much smaller and weaker than him was not his strong suit.
 
I was the attacker for the first three interactions, which again meant I was the one getting thrown. I managed to get to the mat safely and unharmed all three times, then I was more relaxed. Now I was the one defending myself, and to me that was like bowling…just make the right moves and the ball does the rest. So I did relax and played my part well, and he did a form-perfect roll. I would have been envious, except that he headed straight for a plate glass window. It was not made of safety glass.

As soon as his foot went through it, the glass made a loud cracking sound and sprayed out in all directions. Fortunately he had the presence of mind to remove his leg before one huge triangular piece came crashing down…that would have done serious damage. As it was, he was bleeding and clearly needed a few stitches.

He shook off the shards of glass from his gi, and we bandaged his foot to stop the bleeding and offered to drive him to the emergency room. “Nah,” he said, “this is nothing.” He was a policeman; he had experienced a lot worse than that. He showed us the place on his scalp where hair no longer grows because it had been creased by a bullet. And he showed us the scars from knife wounds, telling the story behind each one. Clearly little things like that didn’t faze him. They just added to his macho image.

Once we knew he was all right, we looked around at the mess and at one another, and we burst out laughing. The senior student said it was too bad we couldn’t get a newspaper photographer over to take a picture of the two of us. It would be great publicity for aikido, with the tough guy looking bloody and beaten and the little old lady looking triumphant. So, part of my fantasy actually came true, although not quite in the way I had envisioned it.
 

What Did I Learn?
What did I learn from the experience?

• Don’t be afraid to try something new. Use some common sense and don’t get maimed for life, but don’t worry about what other people think. So what if you’re initially not good at something? No matter what happens you’ll learn something from it.
• If what you’re doing isn’t working, try something else. On the other hand, if you’ve given it a good go and the fun has gone out of it, move on to something else.
• Live life with a sense of adventure. Experiment. It doesn’t have to be anything big, but don’t be trapped by old patterns. Sometimes simple changes can revitalize your life.

What about you? What have you tried that charged you up, gave you a good story? How did it turn out? Please share your experiences in the comments section.

First photo by Malach via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
Second photo from Wikipedia.

This post is being submitted to the Middle Zone Musings´ Group Writing Project What I Learned… From the World of Sports .

Thanks to April Groves for commenting on the last post.

Children learn a lot in their early years by observing and mimicking their parents. My husband, daughter and I still chuckle about the time we were at the dinner table, with Kaitlin in her youth chair. Suddenly she started making weird movements with her arms, obviously trying to do something. My husband and I gave one another puzzled looks, then watched. She finally figured it out and happily started eating with her elbow on the table, just the way her father did. We didn’t have the heart to tell her that wasn’t really a skill worth developing. To this day she has to remind herself not to do it when she’s at a social affair.

Years later, when we dropped her off at college for her freshman year, I was feeling sad until my husband gave me a big smile and said, “So, we no longer have to be a good example for our child. Where shall we go and what shall we do?” It was just what I needed. She was an adult now, free to re-evaluate what she had learned from us and to choose new role models if they worked better for her. We were still a safety net, but we, too, were free to expand the non-parent parts of our lives.

So the question today is, “What new role models have you found or created for yourself?” I’ve been having a heart-warming time the past few days thinking of mine. I take scenes from movies, books or my life and use them as visual metaphors for qualities I want to develop/maintain in myself. There are too many to discuss in detail here, but they’re vivid and inspirational…and they make my life rich. I’ve discussed one of them, the one I used most from the ages of 15 to 35, over at Cheerful Monk.

Another image is of an anthropology professor I had at Stanford. When some of us students were discussing the academic pressure and the need to do well for our futures, he gave us a sympathetic, “you-poor-clueless-things” look. He hadn’t gone to a fancy college, but he was interested in anthropology and did good solid work. He did it because he loved it and wound up teaching at a prestigious university. I’ve been thinking of that brief, life-altering scene a lot lately…when I read blogs about setting goals for success. I’ve gone to workshops where we were supposed to do that. My vision was always of me working on something I loved for its own sake, not the for rewards at the end. The workshop leaders would always say that doesn’t work, it’s not specific enough…you can’t visualize the end result and you can’t measure your progress. But I’m with Steve Jobs and Jim Buckmaster…you might have to do a bit of searching, but don’t settle for anything less.

I had trouble finding a good role model for handling stress, so I compiled the list of stress-hardy, resilient people and created a mental image to represent it in my mind. Whenever I’m in a stressful situation I go over the list and imagine how the ideal person would handle it. The mental rehearsal firmly plants the desired behavior/attitude in my subconscious. As time goes by the traits are becoming internalized…I just have to remember the image and don’t have to look at the list.

And that, of course, is what role models are all about…to internalize attitudes and behaviors so they’re automatic, there for you when you need them. What about you? Do you use role models? How do you internalize desired behaviors and attitudes? Please share your thoughts and experience in the comments section.

Duck picture by SAReed via Flickr. Used with permission. All rights reserved by owner.

Thanks to bikehikebabe and Shirley for commenting last week.