Entries from October 2007 ↓
October 28th, 2007 — Love and Compassion, Self-Worth
All the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble…. They can never be solved, but only outgrown. This “outgrowth” proved on further investigation to require a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appeared on the patient’s horizon, and through this broadening of his or her outlook the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms but faded when confronted with a new and stronger life urge.
—Carl Jung
When you start doing Morning Pages, you’ll be surprised at the things you find lurking within. And, just as you feel refreshed when you step out of the shower, your mind, heart, and soul will feel refreshed after writing Morning Pages. You will walk a little lighter. Your mind will be more focused on the task(s) at hand. Your thinking will be more clear. Your heart will be open — so you may find yourself more patient or less irritated with the day’s events.
—Website discussing Julia Cameron’s morning pages
I’ve been thinking a lot about Bob’s comment to last week’s post: “My big problem is that I just do not do well with any kind of conflict in my life. Any time I think that someone is upset with me or disappointed in me, it really tears me up.” He raises an important point…getting some perspective and seeing things rationally is important, but it’s not enough. We still have to respect our feelings and deal with them. Feelings are, they’re not to be judged but listened to. And when they’re deeply heard, they shift by themselves.
I’ll talk more about this in future posts. For now I’ll just say free association writing is one of the most effective ways of dealing with feelings…and to get the kind of shift Carl Jung is talking about. Just get some paper and a pencil or a pen (or do it on the computer if you prefer) and let it all out. Keep the pen (or pencil or fingers) moving. Don’t worry about punctuation or spelling…just write down anything that comes into your mind. The important thing is not to judge or censure, just put it all down. If things come up that you would rather not share with anyone else, then shred the paper afterwards. The idea is to get in touch with the deepest parts of you. You’ll be surprised what you learn. And you’ll be surprised at the clarity and integration that comes from the process.
What about you? Have you ever tried free-association writing? How do you deal with your feelings? This site is about sharing, so please tell us your thoughts in the comments section.
Picture of girl writing by arkworld via Flickr. Used with permission. All rights reserved by owner.
Picture of hand writing in green ink by snorrlax via Flickr. Used with permission. All rights reserved by owner.
Picture of hand writing in notebook by bgblogging via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
October 21st, 2007 — Stress Trap
For every problem
under the sun,
There is a solution
or there is none.
If there is one,
try to find it.
If there is none,
never mind it.
—Anonymous
Like many words of wisdom, the above poem is easier said than done. And that’s a great reason for blogging, to remind us to keep trying. And that we are not alone.
In a comment to last week’s post Bob mentioned he sometimes gets stuck rehashing a conflict long after it’s over. I’ve been thinking about that a lot this week…for most of us learning to let go is a lifelong challenge.
One thing I use is a list of traits that I’m trying to develop in myself. It’s now included on its own page, Stress-Hardiness Traits, in the menu on the left. I review that list often and check to see where I’ve integrated it into my life and where I need more practice. It’s a big help reminding me of the bigger picture and of what I’m aiming for in life. It’s the day-to-day practice that prepares us for challenges.
I also use a powerful image to help me let go. It’s of how hunters in Asia used to trap monkeys. They would hollow out a coconut, leaving a hole just big enough for a monkey to slip its hand in, but not big enough for the monkey to pull its fist out. The hunters would then attach the coconut to a tree with a rope and put a sweet treat in the hole. When a monkey came by it would smell the treat, reach in with its hand to grasp it, and get trapped. It was incapable of letting go.
So whenever I get stuck I think of myself as that monkey, keeping myself trapped because I can’t let go. Being able to see myself from that outside perspective helps me see the situation more clearly, and eventually I’m willing to let go of the trap and get on with my life.
What about you? How do you you let go? This site is about sharing, so please tell us your thoughts in the comments section. I especially invite Bob and Galba to continue this discussion.
Photo by RomuloArrais via Flickr. Creative Commons license.
October 14th, 2007 — Lifelong Learning, Stress Hardiness
If you’re going to do anything that pioneering you will get those arrows in your back, and you just have to put up with it. I mean everything that could go wrong did go wrong.
—Dr. Randy Pausch
Life is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.
—Virginia Satir, Founder of Family Therapy
Galba Bright over at Tune Up Your EQ has been writing about how to overcome your Emotional Intelligence hot spots. He wisely reminds us that it takes practice, and we can learn from each experience. In particular he would like us to share some of the methods/approaches we use to take care of ourselves and to respond effectively in the moment.
My approach used to be similar to his…have a list of questions to analyze the encounter and learn from it. His are
What did I do?
How did I do it?
How did I feel about what I did ?
What did I learn from what I did?
How can I apply what I learned to my career and my life in general.
Mine used to be
What was the situation?
What did I do?
What were my feelings?
What were my thoughts/assumptions?
What was the positive intention behind my reaction?
What needs/desires were left unsatisfied?
What might I have done instead?
What did I learn from the experience?
Using a list like that is a powerful way of getting out of the trap of obsessive thoughts and overwhelming feelings.
I’ve been doing this long enough now, though, that I don’t use the list consciously. My buttons still get pushed at times, but my automatic reaction now is to stop and breathe slowly to calm myself, and to gather information rather than react in the moment. If I’m upset I try, whenever feasible, to go off by myself and take care of my emotions first, usually by welcoming them and listening to what they’re trying to tell me. When buttons get pushed it’s usually because of past experiences that haven’t been fully processed. So I do look at my thoughts and assumptions about the situation and try to look at the present situation without associations from the past clouding my view. My main concern is to listen compassionately to myself, to figure out what I need, and to see the bigger picture. Are those needs are more appropriately met in the context of the present situation or somewhere else? Once I’ve taken care of myself, it’s usually clear if I need to address the present issue or let it go…it’s not hard to come up with a reasonable plan. As time goes on, of course, my buttons are less apt to get pushed and I can respond effectively in the moment.
And that’s one of the main points of the exercise…to process the present unpleasantness so that no matter what happens I can let it go and not create more buttons to be pushed in the future.
What about you? How do you handle your emotional buttons? This site is about sharing, so please tell us your thoughts in the comments section.
Photo from the Google video of Dr. Pausch.
October 7th, 2007 — Lifelong Learning, Optimizing Stress, Stress Hardiness
My time-management system is easy. I mentally have a list of things I want to do, and I keep it in my head unless/until my mind starts feeling cluttered. Then I write the list down. Each item in the list goes into one of four categories:
1. Do it,
2. Delay it,
3. Ditch it, or
4. Delegate it.
The secret is to love what I’m working on…I have no trouble at all doing the things I love. And it’s easy enough to delay the other things or else decide I’m not going to do an item at all. I just ditch it. As the saying goes, “It’s easy to say no when you’re saying yes to something more important.” Some people might think putting things off is a bad strategy, but on the whole it works for me. If it needs to be done, sooner or later it will cry for attention. Then I’ll do it as efficiently as possible to get back to the things I love doing.
One thing that was on the Delay list for quite a while was cleaning up the coding on my two blogs. As I mentioned in About Jean, I jumped feet first into blogging, hardly knowing where to start. I learned just enough HTML to modify my WordPress theme. I played around and did whatever worked to get my two blogs looking the way I wanted them to. It was a bit risky, but it seemed the best strategy until last weekend. At that point it got bumped up in priority for two reasons:
1. I now like the way the blogs look, so future revisions should be more minor, and
2. My Cheerful Monk blog suddenly didn’t work correctly in Internet Explorer.
I tracked down the mistake but worried there still might be some sloppy coding that would cause problems. I want to learn more HTML, but gradually, and cleaning up the code needed a lot of expertise…right now. Then I came across Peggy Collins‘ site. Peggy is the author of the book Help Is Not a Four-Letter Word, and among the first words of the site are “Okay, so you’re responsible, hard working, and independent. But you’re also stressed out, overwhelmed, and reluctant to ask anyone for help.” I wouldn’t call myself stressed out and overwhelmed. Yes, I’m over my head, but on the whole I’m handling it well. She is right, though…I was reluctant to ask for help. I should have been able to do this myself.
What nonsense. So I went to Google and found Karen Blundell. I contacted her Thursday evening, and Friday morning we spent 2 1/2 hours on the phone and on our computers and cleaned up Cheerful Monk. In the fullness of time I’m incorporating those changes here. The best part of the experience is I now have someone to ask when more questions come up. Bless you Peggy Collins and Karen Blundell! You reminded me of a crucial part of time management…it is all right to use Option 4. It is all right to ask for help. It is all right to delegate.
This site is about sharing, so please tell us your thoughts in the comments section.
Related posts: Do What You Love, Live Your Own Life, Loving What You Do.
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